–This post contains censored nudity and references to rape, murder, physical abuse, and awful video games.–
I love the classics. Except when they hit me with a disgusting wave of nausea.
See, old games had this weird thing going for them. They were pretty easy to pirate, pretty easy to hack, and it was decently easy to make your own unofficial game to run on an NES, SNES or Genesis. The equipment wasn’t particularly widespread but for those who had them, they made a lot of really classy homebrew games. They’d challenge the imaginations of anyone who would dare to break the chains of the mainstream to pick them up. Their unassuming appearance at flea markets and weird back-alley black-market stalls would bestow great gifts upon the players with new, challenging ideas, and developers found inspiration in the way these games worked. Games were brought back to a real grassroots movement, local people put local, unique personalities into a multitude of self-made titles.
Just. Fucking. Kidding.
Although homebrew these days can be genuinely skillful and enjoyable, previous hacked games were absolute bunk. They ranged from the well known bible games of Wisdom Tree, to the completely unknown hentai slideshows and licensed-title ripoffs. These awful gaming abominations were mostly sold to those who didn’t know better.
This wasn’t the first time sex games hit the market, not even close. Check out this link from the Angry Video Game Nerd for some terrible Atari era filth. DOS and the NES were notorious for the occasional adult game as well. So here I am, I just played through this fucking game twice. Fucking twice. The first time I couldn’t even believe my eyes! Y’all need to see this garbage.
Ladies and gentlemen.
This isn’t fucking okay. This ISN’T FUCKING OKAY. WHO EVEN THOUGHT TO DO THIS. WHY.Take some time to just read these instructions over. Really absorb it. Imagine it under the wine list in a fancy restaurant, the bold black ink in beautiful calligraphy painting the delicate papyrus. I want you to feel every word, like I did when I first saw this. I want every part of these instructions to pierce your soul like they pierced mine. When you’re ready, meet me at…
STAGE ONE – “THE GAYS”
“try to wip the gay in the right rythm”
Now, no magnum opus of gaming is complete without a homosexual three way. This scene is something special, but before I get into it, I just want to dive into the mechanics of the game quickly. If you’ve ever played Track and Field or any SEGA Olympic game, you know the gameplay here. Tap X and B alternatively and in rhythm (or rythm) to whip (or wip) the gay. The correct rhythm applied increases your erection meter, and a full erection meter before the time runs out allows you to progress through the levels.
NOW WHAT THE FUCK
JUST LOOK AT THIS SHIT. FIRST OF ALL THE GUY WITH THE WHIP IS LITERALLY GETTING HIS PICKLE TICKLED. AND THE GUY ON TOP IS TYPING ON A KEYBOARD DIRECTLY CONNECTED TO A MONITOR. WHAT IS HE EVEN TYPING? WHY? WHERE’S IT GOING?
I actually have a couple of answers. A lot more questions but a couple of answers nonetheless. This game was released by ROMKIDS, and in the golden age of SNES piracy, they were a group (or possibly an individual) that released pirated SNES games. Their version of NBA Jam is floating around the internet for download. Don’t bother tracking it down, it has nothing special in it, definitely no rape, fortunately. My theory (and it’s a wild guess) is that this scene is either a portrait of ROMKIDS headquarters, where in the middle of cocaine induced gay-BDSM threesomes, the chief programmer (pictured with his feet on the keyboard) composes data for release. It could also be making fun of some other group, which is so common a practice even to this day that it’s almost insane. Of course this is probably all bullshit, and this game is just fucking stupid. Your call.
There’s one thing innately beautiful about this game though. Every level, every scene has so much going on with so little. This is an uncensored video of the entire game. It’s less than two minutes long but tells so much. Just listen to the sounds of the first level especially. The cacophony of yells, the… Just listen to it. Words do it absolutely no justice. It’s like everything you never wanted in one place.
This particular level is actually quite challenging. When they say you need “rythm” to “wip” the gay, you actually need to find the rhythm. Every other level here is pure button mashing, but these homosexual men need a certain panache to their whipping. It took me like six tries the first time I tried to play this, just because the rhythm is so painfully specific. If you’re even a little off, it gives you a game over screen.But it’s not that hard, so after some trial and error…
STAGE 2 – “LICK IT!”
“try to lick her as fast as possible”
Her face looks like a fucking simpsons character. Like before it became a TV show really, when it was just short animated sketches. I just saw it this second. Freaking me out dude. This is getting nitpicky but I couldn’t help but notice that the animation on this level is way smoother! It’s still not good but it has about three times the frames! Things are actually decently animated! So the straight oral sex gets animated and the gay BDSM threeway gets squat. Pretty homophobic, ROMKIDS. I’m disappointed. This level has the funniest part of the entire game. When you complete this level, it plays a victory anthem if you will, and if you haven’t, I really need you to check out the video above. I can’t decide if it’s a toilet flush or vomit or a canned fart, but some horrible sound plays. It’s absolutely terrifying. If I actually heard this sound while giving oral sex, I’d probably have to kill myself.
STAGE 3 – “BIG DICK”
“help the tormentor to get erection”
A picture says a thousand words, this one is no different. What is different is that every word it’s saying is THERAPY THERAPY THERAPY THERAPY. This is the absolute worst. The character from the previous level was most certainly not ready for her close-up. But who could blame her! Y’know, for a game called RAPE GAMES this is the only level that looks even vaguely non-consentual. She’s chained up, screaming, a masked man with a bloody butcher’s knife is standing above her, she’s getting penetrated (anally, no less) by the ‘Cencur’ Fuck-Machine 3000, she didn’t even have time to take her shoes off, nothing about this seems okay! Your mission is to brutally button mash to jerk off your assailant in the vain hopes of not getting murdered when, SURPRISE! Ya get murdered! Two whole frames of completely unnecessary animation is your reward for your toil, as seen below.
Yep. Mr. Gimp cuts off your face while ejaculating.
Wait. Wait a fucking second. That horribly drawn man, and his horribly drawn face, has the best god damned grin I think I’ve ever seen.
Look at that. That’s just fucking glorious. His content is palpable, as evidenced not only by his ejaculation but by his smooth, full, suave half-smile. This man’s trying to seduce you. This man wants you, and he wants his half smile to say that. Just think about that the next time you play Super Nintendo.
Well that’s Rape Games, it didn’t have much rape, and it didn’t have much game, but apparently we “achieved global satisfaction”, so there’s that. In two minutes, according to this game, I pleased everyone on earth. That’s just it then. No more war, no more murder, no more sorrow, famine, nothing. Everyone’s satisfied, and nothing hurts. All it took was one man to drag himself through this gauntlet to save everyone.
You’re welcome. You’re all welcome.
Please don’t click this. It’s a link to the actual game. It’s not worth your time. I just posted it so you guys knew I wasn’t making this up. Please, go back to Facebook or your Twitter or whatever. Just leave.